Let’s Get Personal - Contemplating the Consequences of Abortion
by J. Lee Lawson
I watched some of the speakers and music from the January 2017 Women’s March in Washington D.C. I was especially challenged by pro-abortion actress and activist Scarlet Johansen’s charge to “get personal!” She said that now is the time to get personal. I totally agree with her. I have been silent for far too long. Why? Maybe because when I have spoken out in the past I was shut down, judged or called “ignorant”. But Johansen’s charge has compelled me. No more silence because of fear of rejection or how others might respond.
My Gurney Journey
So, let’s get personal…I had just graduated from high school at age 17 with a boyfriend who was very good looking and treated me alright. Surprise! I was pregnant and very devastated. A little history - my conception was also a surprise to my teenage parents who had recently graduated from high school. They were quickly married before I came along. My parents were very young and it seemed my mom blamed me for her unhappiness. My childhood was not a happy one. My parents divorced when I was 11. So, when I discovered that I was pregnant I was instantly reminded of my miserable, lonely childhood memories of wandering the streets on my bike until my dad came home from work.
Without a thought, I drove to the nearest Planned Parenthood and the woman told me there is nothing to fear, that it’s only a blob of tissue, and it can be removed quickly, without any pain. I don’t remember the day I actually had the abortion, just the days after. I fell into smoking pot just about every day and experienced extreme depression that brought me to the lowest of low. This story could be long but I don’t want to bore you — I became pregnant again! I struggled with the decision. I even told my mom who then worked at Focus on the Family and my dad who just had a beautiful baby boy with my stepmom. I was only 18! What was I to do? I thought, ‘well, I already had one abortion, I might as well do it again.’
This time I remember every detail of that dreaded appointment. The waiting room was huge and there were a lot of patients scattered throughout, most young like myself. They called my name, I followed the woman into a tiny room, got on the gurney and she took my vitals, and inserted a needle. The doctor came in and sat at the end of the gurney on a stool. I asked how long it would take, the elderly man replied, “about a minute”. The next thing I knew I was starting to open my eyes and I could hear voices in low tones. I looked around me with a foggy blur - there were occupied gurneys all around me. We were being pushed along in a huge room. At the end of my gurney journey, I was led to a folding chair, my chair being at the end of a long line of folding chairs - as a woman would come off the gurney we would all scoot along to the next chair.
The girl next to me was crying. I tried to comfort her but I had to step away to the bathroom and throw up. When I returned she was still crying - I put my arm around her and said, “it’s gonna be okay. We are going to be okay.” She looked up at me through her stringy blond hair and said, “this is my seventh one.” My heart broke for her and I suddenly realized abortion is being used as birth control. It was a crazy realization. When there were no more folding chairs - we were quickly shuffled into a room with cookies and punch. The director came into the room, all smiling and happy, replenishing the cookie tray. That was it - I don’t know what became of “Seven” - I have prayed for her over the years.
A Compromised Conscience
I wish I could tell you that everything was great from here on forward, but it wasn’t. This is where my suicidal struggle began. This is where a sad drug addiction started. Marijuana was not enough to mask the pain and guilt I was carrying. The load was too heavy for me. The chains too tight to bear. I began snorting Cocaine and taking Ecstasy. I truly wanted to die! I reached out to Planned Parenthood to ask if they had post-abortion counseling. They did not. My mom was more than happy to get me into a counselor at Focus on the Family, but I thought they would just condemn me for my choices. I sunk deeper into my despair. My conscience was totally compromised. I had reached a place that I never wanted to be: in total darkness. And in that lonely, wicked place, I put a plastic bag over my head and tightened a belt around my neck - I was ready to leave this world and forget all the pain. Yet I could hear a battle going on. One voice screamed, “Yes, this is the easy way. No more pain!”. Another softer voice was repeating, “If you do this, you will never see my face.” As a child - I had always dreamed of seeing the face of God. So, this was very personal and had deep meaning for me. I ripped the bag off my head.
I dusted off my childhood Bible and found comfort and peace in the red letters; the words of Jesus. A girlfriend and I decided together to stop doing Coke and X — it was great having her help and being strong together! Kicking marijuana was not as easy. But I knew I had a more serious issue to attend to…my aching, wounded heart. The heavy load of guilt was eating me away like a festering wound, oozing and bleeding that would not stop. I tried to stand up for my choice - to join marches and carry signs for choice and abortion. I vehemently engaged in abortion arguments, defending my right to choose. These things didn’t help at all. I sank deeper.
Before I tell you what happened next, it’s good for you to know that I had some knowledge of God and His Word, because of attending Sunday School and Christian Camps as a child - but I never understood why God sent His Son to die on the cross. Christianity was only a religion to me and that was all.
I continued to read the Bible and God reached out to me in my spiritual darkness. He said that “[i]f we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” (1 John 1:9) To confess to God means to agree with Him….so I opened myself up to God and began to confess my sins of abortion. I agreed with Him that abortion is murder. That I murdered my babies. This was a heart-wrenching confession, admitting I was so totally wrong, and coming to the conclusion that I had made the choice to murder my own innocent babies. And yet, I knew, in my heart of hearts, that this was the absolute truth! The load immediately fell off and I was forgiven! A peace that passes all understanding came over me! I totally understood the cross in that moment — that I should die for MY own sins, that I had offended God, and yet perfect Jesus took my place, willingly! Jesus’ words came to life right then - “You will know the truth and the truth will set you free.” (John 8:32) I was free! Finally free from a burdened, compromised conscience - from the guilt, condemnation and shackles of my shame! It was awesome! I named my babies - Jason and Leah and I know that I will meet them when I go home to heaven!
No longer was Jesus a “religion” to me: He was and is my Savior. I have a wonderful relationship with Him, talking to God regularly and Him speaking to me through His Word - the Bible.
Why so Personal?
I write this to help others BE FREE of this sin too! I am being SO personal right now because I know so many women are fighting for their right to choose because they feel they have to justify themselves, justify their “Choice”. It’s empty, it’s vain: a dead end road. I saw a woman proudly wearing a T’shirt that read, “I had an abortion”. How can anyone be proud of murdering their own baby?
Abortion is truly murder. Abortion is destroying lives. One killed - one wounded - every time! Since 1973, nearly 59 million pre-born babies have been murdered in the USA.
That quote “women’s rights are human rights.” Well, what about that little growing baby human’s rights? Doesn’t the unborn have a voice, or a human right? Sadly, the answer right now is NO.
I believe with all my heart and I know beyond all doubt that one day—when Jesus Christ returns bodily to rule and reign on this earth, abortion will be seen by the majority for what it truly is ~ an unfathomable, sinful atrocity. The day is coming when abortion—the ripping of an innocent baby from the safety of its mother’s womb, will be thought of in the same way most of us see slavery today.
Truly, abortion is much like slavery. I was in slavery to my sin of murder and I want my sisters to be free of these shackles too! Where would I be if God did not intervene into my lonely darkness and shine the light of His truth? I shudder at the thought. I am so thankful and I love Him so much!
Please ask yourself why you are fighting for abortion, for murder? Why do you support such an act? I understand the arguments - I used them too! I tried to justify myself and my actions, fighting for women’s rights. Again, what about that unborn baby girl’s rights? Don’t you see that abortion is wounding thousands, if not millions of women? Abortion is not helping us women, it is harming us.
If you are angry right now ~ ask yourself why? Are you angry with me? Are you angry because I told you the truth? Does the truth go against your opinion and beliefs? Allow the truth to set you free from lies and deception.
I hope and pray this helps even just one woman find freedom from her sin and guilt of having an abortion. God is ready to forgive. Are you ready to agree with Him that abortion is murder? I hope this causes deep thought and serious contemplation in every heart. Thank you for reading this and allowing me to “get personal” with you.
“For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world,
but that the world through Him might be saved.” - John 3:17
Please read Luke 7:36-50 and see the true love of Jesus Christ towards women and His desire to set us free from all sin!
Luke 7:36-50 - A Sinful Woman Forgiven by Jesus
"And one of the Pharisees desired him that he would eat with him. And he [Jesus] went into the Pharisee's house, and sat down to meat. And, behold, a woman in the city, which was a sinner, when she knew that Jesus sat at meat in the Pharisee's house, brought an alabaster box of ointment, And stood at his feet behind him weeping, and began to wash his feet with tears, and did wipe them with the hairs of her head, and kissed his feet, and anointed them with the ointment. Now when the Pharisee which had bidden him saw it, he spake within himself, saying, This man, if he were a prophet, would have known who and what manner of woman this is that toucheth him: for she is a sinner. And Jesus answering said unto him, Simon, I have somewhat to say unto thee. And he saith, Master, say on. There was a certain creditor which had two debtors: the one owed five hundred pence, and the other fifty. And when they had nothing to pay, he frankly forgave them both. Tell me therefore, which of them will love him most? Simon answered and said, I suppose that he, to whom he forgave most. And he said unto him, Thou hast rightly judged. And he turned to the woman, and said unto Simon, Seest thou this woman? I entered into thine house, thou gavest me no water for my feet: but she hath washed my feet with tears, and wiped them with the hairs of her head. Thou gavest me no kiss: but this woman since the time I came in hath not ceased to kiss my feet. My head with oil thou didst not anoint: but this woman hath anointed my feet with ointment. Wherefore I say unto thee, Her sins, which are many, are forgiven; for she loved much: but to whom little is forgiven, the same loveth little. And he said unto her, Thy sins are forgiven. And they that sat at meat with him began to say within themselves, Who is this that forgiveth sins also? And he said to the woman, Thy faith hath saved thee; go in peace."